Depression

Wrote this as a kind of response to Robin William’s death, and as a kind of explanation of why, despite all my best efforts, I’m not blogging as much as I want to. Possibility of triggering (or of just pure boring emo-ness, oh well, this is my corner of the internet, fuck you if you think it’s emo. It probably is emo.


 

I’ve been finding it hard to write because I’ve been finding it hard to move
I’ve been finding it hard to do
I’ve been finding it hard to move
on with my life, move
towards the light, move
away from my pain, move
towards something more sane.

So I’m sorry I’m numb
So I’m sorry I’m blue
So I’m sorry I can’t
connect with people like you.

But your world seems so light
And your world seems so full
And my world seems the same
from where you’re standing, I’m sure.

But what use is a life
where people love you and care
If when you close your eyes
you see that nothing is there?

I wish I could see all
of the beauty around
but right now I have to concentrate
so hard to walk down the street
that there’s no other option
than to look down at my feet.

I’m sorry I’m wrong
Sorry I can’t love
in the way that I wantSorry I can’t be tough.

I’m just feeling so weak
and I want to give up
and I want to keep goingbut it feels now as though
the only way to keep going
is to carve up my pain
quarters, fifths, eighths, sixteenths.

And I know that that’s wrong
and I know that that’s bad
and I know that would make
all of my loved ones sad.

So I’m walking along
or I’m crawling in pain
and I’ve nothing to take
all the numbness away

But I’ll keep walking on,
or at least crawling in pain,
‘cos, well, that’s what you want
I know you want me to stay.

So I’ll stay, I’ll survive.
Don’t worry about me
I won’t drown, though it’s hard
To ignore my lungs filling.

Don’t worry about me
Sorry I made you cry.
I’d prefer if you forgot me
and just let me die.

But you won’t, and that’s fine
but please don’t ask me to be
just like people like you
the way that you think of me

‘Cos I’m just not that girl
that you thought that you knew
I can’t keep going on
Without stumbling still.

There are cracks in my heels
there are tears in my throat
there’s a loneliness here
that belongs to me alone

And I’m sorry you can’t touch it
I’d love if you could
but you can’t, so please, leave me alone.

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3 thoughts on “Depression

  1. Everyone is perfectly entitled to be sad and emo, god knows I do too. I am scooping you up in a virtual hug right now. Also, its scary how much I have felt exactly the same as what your words express here. But thankfully not right now. I wish light to pierce and penetrate the darkness, it always does and it always will. Change is the only certainty

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